when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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