Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
