Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
