if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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