i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
