if you like me you must not know who I am
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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