Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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