The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
