i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
