shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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