Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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