Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
