I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
