The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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