Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
