please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
