Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
