We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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