I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
