when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
