I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
