just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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