chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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