I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
