Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
