The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
