He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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