Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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