As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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