I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
