if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
