Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
