He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
