yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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