I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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