pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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