if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Let's paint friendship bongs
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
