nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
i need some magic done to my vagina
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
