Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
