from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
