I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
