"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
