i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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