It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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