I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
