Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
