bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
