I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Why did my mother make you get naked?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
