I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I just threw up on my dentist
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
