I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
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