i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
